Well I was going to blog about something that was on my mind earlier but now I don't feel the need to... yeah... it's sad... but it's gone.

All of my wasted thoughts... oh well

Maybe I'll write something else later but as of right now I'm out of ideas. I just have lyrics running through my head.

Music is awesome!

changes

Things are starting to change all around me...

and I think I'm finally starting to understand what is going on...

Some of these changes shouldn't be happening...

but they are...
and it's something that I will have to learn to live with...


forever and eternity



**throws her hands in the air and twirls around and around slowly drifting off into a far away place where everything is perfect [at least in her mind]**

Where is this place?
Why can't I find it?


---everything happens for a reason---

why is that?

next week

Next week is one that I'm not going to enjoy...
well actually it's more like the next 8 days starting with the day after xmas. A day that is usually spent enjoying all of my cool new gadgets and gizmos received the day before, but not this year. This year I will be sad. It hurts more knowing that I'm suppose to be there right now, but that didn't happen. 7 years of not spending xmas with my family. 7 years of rotating where to spend xmas eve. 7 years that have not been the same. This is the first year that I'm dreading xmas. I don't even want to see you because I know that will make things worse. I won't be able to let go. I can't let you go. It's too hard... but who cares. Nobody...

I could go on but I don't feel like it at the moment...

I will just sit hear holding the bear that you gave me until the day you return... trying not to cry...

Don't go....
Don't leave me here alone
Is that too hard to ask?
Apparently so...


I miss you... already...

letter to my father

To the greatest dad in the whole world, Sept. 06, 2008

My life as of today isn't as great as most people think it is. I try to put a smile on my face and make it seem as if everything is ok yet I know that it's only half way true. Nobody knows the truth... except for me. Nobody knows what it is I have to deal with and how hard my life is. Nobody understands why it is I am so happy to be at school and why it is I never want to go home. Well to tell you the truth I don't even know where my home is anymore. Home is where the people you love are... it's where your family lives. So why is there this stranger in my home and why won't he just live and why does he hate me and why can't I escape?
Nobody understands or believes that these things are really happening to me. These crazy things so I'm told. All I want to do is escape this crazy life. I want to be able to go to school and be happy with my life. Then again I would really like to have you back but I don't see that happening anytime soon either.
I just want to be able to go home to know that the people there love and care about me and that I won't get yelled at for something stupid like playing my flute or eating dinner. I want him to leave... go back to his family... leave mine... give me my family back. Make everything go back to normal. It only goes back to normal when he's not around. My life is easier to live when he's not around.
So thank you dad. You're the greatest. You just had to leave me alone in this big cruel world with this monster. Sure I have mom but she is lost when she is home. I thought you loved me. I thought I was your favorite. Well guess what! If you loved me so much then all those times you said you would never die and that you were going to live forever and that you would always be there for me were just lies. Stupid lies that I believed! I really can't believe you!
Well... you can come back now... you don't have to hide anymore... you can come save me.... tell me that you were never gone... that you have been alive this whole time. You can tell me that everything is ok... *looks around*. Yeah... that's what I thought... you're still gone.


*tears*


Thanks...
love your oldest daughter,
Megan

Senior Year..

*the year where all of your older friends that have helped you survive high school have already graduated and moved on to their college lives...

*the year where you get first pick of everything...

*the year where you will meet new people that you will probably forget by next year...

*the year where you can't wait to leave and go to college...

*the year of all of those AP and college classes that you take to try to get into a good college...

*the year where you make sure you get all of your friends phone numbers...

*the year that you wish was over when it begins...

*the year you wish would never end...

*the year you couldn't wait for when you were a freshman...

*the year of laughs and cries...

*the year of college applications and anticipation...

*the year of saying goodbye...

*the year of spending way too much money just to graduate...

*the year of way too much homework...

*the year when all of your underclassmen friends wished you were in their class just so you wouldn't have to leave them in the big boring school...

*the year when you hope you have true friends that will always be your friends when you need them most...

[Everything happens for a reason]

School (as of 11-11-08)

1st period:

AP Calculus... you say that word around me and I will just cringe and say "I should of taken AP statistics like a smart person" (while avoiding an evil glare from my friend Craig). The only good thing about the class is that I finally understand what is going on as of right now and that I don't have the lowest grade :). Other than that... the class is a real drag... if it weren't for my friends I would drown in a sea of limits and derivatives... :P

2nd period:

English... "Sword... the w is SILENT!" Must i say more??? Oh and just so we all understand this... Johnathon is my friend and we aren't talking.. that would just be weird... we are just really close friends. (People these days... *rolls eyes*)

3rd period:

V.P.S.... my "get out of jail free card" for school. My 2nd favorite class. I get to arrive when I want and leave when I want. Oh and I get to call my mom if I need someone to talk to and get food if I have a little extra money! hehehe! (Now if only I can teach those 8th grade flute players how to play better... then I would be set!)

4th period:

Music Appreciation... today we started learning the history of music from the very beginning. We are first going over the different instruments which means I get to play my flute, piccolo, oboe, violin, piano, and other random percussion instruments that I have to learn on the spot. This is the part people usually dread but to me it is the most enjoyable. XD




So as of right now school is going good. I'm trying to be more focused in my classes and just trying to get a better grade in calculus. I know I can do better if I come to more tutoring sessions (even if that does require me to wake up early). I can do it though!



It will just take time... lots and lots of time... =]

Vent: Dance 2008

Ok. I need to vent.
I'm sorry if you like this person of whom I'm not going to name but if you took dance classes while she was at the place I used to dance at then you know who I'm talking about.

Well if you currently take dance classes with this person you're not getting anything out of it. All she wants is to compete. That's not what dancing is all about. I want my old dance teacher Amanda back. She would actually make us work and we actually danced in class. None of this ok now we can talk forever crap like the teacher I had after her did. But at least that teacher wasn't as bad as the one I had before Amanda came. Talk about just plain out bad. She had her favorites. When you are a teacher you can't have favorites. Plus if you really wanted to be in one class and the only way you could was to take a lower class that you didn't need or want to take then you couldn't be in the class. Now I know I'm not a fantastic dancer but at least I know the basics and then some. I can dance on pointe. I can do a shanae turn. I can balance. I DO TRY! That's more then I can say about my class last year. Only 4 of us tried and it seemed like only 3 of us wanted to be there. Then you had the one girl who was too young to be in there. I just don't get it. Why is it the ones who try always don't get rewarded. Why is it once you quit they change everything and when you go to the recital you are embarrassed by their lack of talent. Now there was one of them who looked good... talking about the pointe dance. I wanted to put on my shoes and tart dancing to help but I knew I couldn't. So instead I went into the hallway and started to dance. I had my own solo that I had been working on for a few days and decided that would get the horrible images out of my mind. Of course I then felt bad because I had my own little audience in the hallway and they all wanted to know if I was in the recital.

It was just really sad seeing the kids with no experience dance better than the kids with years of experience.

So to those of you who were part of that group. I'm sorry.
To those of you who never left the group. I'm sorry.
I'm dancing with real dancers now.